![\"Freyja,](\"/assets/jpg/6-5--a-freyja-photo.jpg\")
\nWhat was intended to be a \"simple\" sum of my 2020 has grown into something far more. As I write, even though it's veering from my original timeline, these essays have provided structure and pacing for my rhythm & flow of life. I look forward to what it becomes.
\nChrysalis: Part 1 covered radical internal changes, as the external world took to the streets; both demanding radical change. At work, I was elected the Executive Committee Co-Chair of the Works Council at Booking.com. Apart from the \"normal business\" of the Works Council, we were preparing to begin the long process of restructuring. I also became engaged & just beginning to unravel the many threads that ADHD has woven, unwittingly influencing my life's journey.
\nChrysalis: Part 2 covers the rapid progression of events that begin harshly, as I continued to discover my limits & needs. For any content that may trigger any feelings or memories that aren't needed or wanted right now, I've tried to set expectations with trigger warnings, placed beside each date with the section's content, with a link to skip that section.
\nWhy: my experience of time has ceased to mean much of anything, this is my record of what happened. I need it for myself, to remember. It's my sort of \"origin story;\" putting words to something that I also want to share, in hopes someone, somewhere, could learn something interesting and useful along the way.
\n During these six months, I entered chrysalis;...
\n...after metaphorically running headfirst into a brickwall. ¶
The day after I realized I'm ADHD, the Works Council reached a significant, long fought milestone in our collaboration with the Business. We finalized legal negotiations on processes moving towards restructuring!
\nThis was an achievement that I was extremely proud of; individually proud, but also inspired by the sheer amount of work and labor everyone put in to get to where we were. I wish we had the opportunity & moment for celebration—and breath—before moving forward. Yet, as pen hit paper, we were thrust into the first phase of the restructuring process, receiving the formal Request for Advice.
\nThat evening, I received some personal advice—from someone of whom I will be eternally thankful for sharing her wisdom and experience through these sorts of situations.
\n\n\nThe question isn’t:
\n
\n'Is the work worth doing?'
\nThe question is:
\n'At what cost?'
This was my catalyst for catharsis. ¶
\nThat night, I had my first panic attack.
\nThe responsibility, possibilities, and lack of respite from one monumentally impactful task to another all came to a tipping point. It was a level of overwhelm that I’d never experienced before, and one I’d experience a few times more before the year was up. I never understood what a human wail was until I was in the midst of it: unable to control the tears, loud vocalizations, hitting pillows, clutching myself, going between sitting on the couch to a fetal position in its corner. Breathing shallow, time lost meaning, and I was in full meltdown.
\nThe next day, I pulled myself together—enough to enter the Works Council's Weekly Chair meeting—to share just what was going on. The “pulling myself together” didn’t last the full meeting's hour, but luckily, the Works Council’s Chairs were—and still are—composed of compassionate & understanding humans. We decided, then and there, that we collectively needed a week for everyone to take a moment to breathe, make space, before moving forward with the next phase. ¶
\n\nWe all took the time to read & digest the extensive documents provided, preparing to internally re-organize for the first resizing of Booking.com’s Dutch operations. As the final revisions of Roles & Responsibilities became more firm, I was in deep internal & external conflict. What was written on paper was in direct opposition to my own understandings and expectations for leadership. All the while, I was starting to grapple accepting ADHD as a disability, and what that meant. I've intentionally sought paths that lead toward my strengths; but these expectations would have me working against myself and my needs, every day, for at least six months.
\nPreviously invisible challenges, ways of working, behaviors, & patterns were laid bare for the first time:
\nTime blindness; trouble planning/prioritization with complex multi-step plans; trouble initiating things; trouble ending things; lower working memory—I have a great memory and horrible memory all at once. I can't remember things unless there's context, can't \"pull it out of my head\" so easily—impulsivity; self monitoring; attention shifting; forgetting words or my place in a sentence while I'm speaking; interrupting.
\nHonestly, it had never occurred to me that each human can have different ways to internally process. Once I started to understand just how differently we make sense of our senses, I began to see my thought processes differently—divergently. There is a term commonly applied to how ADHD humans' brains tend to work: associative thinking! It’s this thing where, while neurotypical humans may directly connect A to C, my brain makes associated jumps that can go from A to Z to B to X to 3 to J to C. Doing things in a specific order at a specific time...it's really one I have to work against natural behaviours and continue to level-up.
\nThe most consistent piece of feedback I've had throughout my life & career is around my expression of emotions, needing to control them. I always knew they were a part of me, but it was frustrating & relieving to understand how deeply so. It's more difficult to not express emotions; harder to catch myself to pause. Feels can last seconds to months; returning at unexpected moments from the past or present. While they're high—especially held with high levels of stress, anxiety, fear, the whole gamut—other executive functions are less available to access. I mean, it really is #allthefeels #allthetime. Overwhelming emotions are one of those things that the current diagnostic criteria ignores, but has long been documented and a part of the ADHD experience.
\nWhen all those layers begin to stack, it piles up with a lot of criticism—perceived, received, internalized, or forgotten—that results in what the #adhdsquad collectively labels as RSD. When neurobiology is considered, my dopamine stores need constant tending or I can easily go into a downward spiral. When in negotiations or meetings, a reaction to a mis-perceived slight has, personally, caused more damage than good. It's something I need to continue learning and digging deeper to understand.
\nI kept asking myself, \"How could I contribute in my role, if these are the expectations?\"
\nI always come back to a version of the Serenity Prayer, to ground myself when I need to find direction:
\n\n\nGrant me the serenity to:
\n
\nAccept things I cannot change;
\nCourage, to change the things I can; &
\nWisdom, to know the difference.
I couldn’t change anything regarding the pandemic. I was processing a major life event inside layers of other major life events. Processing takes time. And that was in short supply to process the Request for Advice. I couldn’t keep working against myself. Whether I liked it or not, there was one thing that I did have the power to change.
\nI resigned as the Co-Chair of the Executive Committee of the Works Council, continuing to contribute as an elected representative. ¶
\n\nI was looking forward to this day since June; hoping for some external, medical, and professional validation of what I had started understanding of myself. Luckily, because Netherlands, setting up an appointment for diagnosis was much more easy to accomplish than I would have in many countries around the world, especially in the United States.
\nThe seven-hour diagnosis day was divided into sessions with psychologists, psychiatrists, and computer testing, all specialized in ADHD diagnoses:
\nPrep Work
\nADHD is a neuro-biological condition that exists throughout one’s life, consistently. There are lots of possibilities that someone doesn’t have ADHD, especially due to the amount of co-existing conditions that could contribute to like-symptoms. Part of preparation was to have people that know me well—my partner; my parents—fill out a long survey. Because the surveys demonstrated a high likelihood of ADHD, the morning was used to confirm or deny that was the case.
1hr — Intake session with a psychiatrist
\nThis was a Q&A session about what brought me to the conclusion of being ADHD and why I thought so: behaviors, patterns, medical history, etc. They also explained the day, what to expect throughout, and what would happen if I would be diagnosed.
1hr — Diagnostic Interview for ADHD in Adults with a psychologist
\nA psychiatrist has one set of skills, psychologists an adjacent different set of skills. This was another round of Q&A but more focused on understanding my patterns of behavior, in my own words and not solely the surveys from my partner/parents.
30min — Computer Controlled QB-Test
\nIt’s this interesting computer-controlled test that objectively measures all three characteristics of ADHD: attention deficit, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. It was basically a computer game where I had to match shapes and colors with a reflective golf ball attached to my head that measured how much it moved throughout.
1hr — Internal Discussion
\nAfter the morning’s tests, and while I had lunch, the team at the center discussed my results to come to a conclusion whether I was ADHD or not; and if so, what type.
45min — Diagnosis Delivery with initial psychiatrist
\nWe reviewed the results of the day so far: from the interviews, QB-Test, and discussions. With all the evidence combined, there was enough significant data to diagnose me as ADHD-C, Combined Type. I was given a base amount to see if medications work for me and, if so, how much. ADHD medication is an extremely well researched stimulant, with a plentitude of medications that can provide relief to ADHDers. Unluckily, while there’s plenty of medications and they don’t work for everyone.
1h30min — Let the medication take affect
\nTo see if the meds worked for me, I had to take them and give my body time to process. I basically went outside, mask on, and walked around the block a few times, enjoying the sunny August weather. Before I went back into the office, I already felt calm—in my mind and body.
30min — QB-Test: On medication
\nI had my baseline set with the test in the morning. So, I reattached my reflective golf ball headset and started playing the shape & color game.
30min — Internal Discussion
\nAfter I finished, the team got together again to review and discuss the results.
30min — Final Interview
\nThe day was almost over! I sat down with the “team lead” to review the day and discuss the outcome. The results of the medication were “textbook examples of ADHD.” To give some perspective, my head's micro-movements went from an equivalent of 27m/89ft in the golf-ball test—without medication—to 4m/13ft!
That was it! Normally, I would have also received the prescription for medication the same day. Unfortunately—and now I know why—I hadn’t actually had health insurance for the whole of 2020 because of a change of address issue with my insurer. But:
\nDiagnosis! This was a big day. ¶
\n\n–
\n\nThe next week, votes were cast and the Works Council had formally, temporarily, reorganized. I continued to be fraught with conflict. I felt more prepared, capable, and able to contribute to this process, but unable to do so.
\nIn the Netherlands, Works Councils have to be informed of all aspects of a downsizing: the logic, the economics, the shift of strategy, the impact on: the business, affected employees, and unaffected employees. To help understand how all the pieces fit together, the Restructuring RFA was broken into organizational and departmental chunks, detailing these aspects of why, what, and how.
\nI supported the Works Council members leading the areas I had the most knowledge and familiarity. We went through the RFA, line by line, role by role, number by number. We looked for inconsistencies in narrative, if the proposed impact truly did align with the strategy communicated.
\nIf the communication, strategy, and execution shared with the Works Council—25 elected members from across the business' many departments—didn't make sense to us, how could it make sense when communicated to the broader employee base?
\nWe collectively understood the responsibility we held to our colleagues, and the trust given by those same colleagues. We had to do the best we could do in the time we had, knowing this would dramatically impact their lives. The additional weight of being in the middle of a global pandemic—where the Travel Industry, especially, was taking a hard hit—was equally felt. From August to October, we held ourselves to these high standards, doing our due diligence using best of our abilities:
\nWe were thrown into a new level of corporate strategy of global business. It was emotionally exhausting for all: the pace grueling...and the fact we were advising on decisions that could impact the people we work alongside every day (and sometimes, even our own selves). We were regularly meeting with C-Suite Executives and their teams, at times, with extreme contention.
\nFor me, I never expected to have this level of influence and be in such a position. After each work day, I reflected in amazement. Calls with lawyers, meetings with Board Members, questioning my boss's boss's boss's boss, adamantly and direct. The breadth and depth of the work was equally deep as it was broad. I feel I was learning an amount of material that Master's students take years to digest.
\nIt was intense; yet my proudest contribution & achievement. It equally came at a deep personal cost to my own mental & physical health and well-being. ¶
\n\nThe time between my ADHD diagnosis and beginning medication was much longer lived than any calendar measure. It had been a big disappointment that I'd have to figure out what was wrong with my insurance, address that, wait for processing, and then find some relief & support. I paid my ADHD Tax with some hefty fines, re-registered for insurance, and had everything squared away. All that said:
\nIt was here!
\nOthers describe this moment like putting glasses on for the first time, finally able to clearly see, eyes unstrained from the overwork of focus. For me, the mental & physical stillness was more similar to days of sweating in a Dutch sauna: an intentional space of quiet, rest, and relaxation. Hopping between the extreme humidity to freezing water, resting, and back again, saunas were one of the few spaces where I was able to purposefully pursue the peace I needed, time and time again.
\nStillness. Peace. Calm.
\nThe medication elevated my mood, finding more emotional stability, the ability to direct my focus more easily, and more able to be predictably productive & deliver. While I was able to breathe, it was also very weird experience: to sit and not be overhwelmed.
\nWhile my brain understood what was happening, it took a while for my heart to catch up. They in no way \"fix\" or \"cure\" my neurobiology.
\nThey create space. They help. The relief they provide has done wonders. ¶
\n \n\n\n\n\n
\"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.\"
\nAlexander Hamilton quoting Thomas Paine from Hamilton Mixtape; Valley Forge (Demo), written by Lin-Manuel Miranda
I've voted in all the Presidential elections since I turned of age, adding my voice via the ballot for Obama twice, and Clinton once. The first non-Presidential election I voted in was 2018, after finally understanding the impact local elections have on everyday life. This time, this vote: it was different.
\nI created my space for focus, giving this moment the respect, honor, and attention it deserved. Even better, I was now equipped to sustain & direct that attention.
\nSitting down after lunch, I began my democratic due diligence, researching every candidate on the ballot, reserving the Big One for last.
\nFor every Republican, Democract, and Independent, there was a simple process. Go to their website; read their platforms; do some search engine investigation; decide. The dog whistles blown by a certain group of candidates quickly weeded them out. I learned even more about all the local offices, researching their roles in the community, surprised at just how much local governments can do.
\nLooking over each candidate voted for, I was inspired. Over half of my ballot were for women and people of color. I grew excited about the future that could represent and create. Donated to quite a few before I sat down for: the final event. ¶
\nI can't recall a time when a political activity resonated so spiritually, yet here I was. So much was riding on this election. After feeling violated by the last vote, and the horrors created by the 45th President & posse, I knew. Someone else had to be the 46th.
\nI set the space with Hamilton. Sitting, I listened to the musical, hearing all the parallels to the times we were living in. I reflected on how much the world has changed since I last sat with this paper.
\nI was in tears. There was so much pain, hurt, violations, mental load, anxiety, anger, and all sorts of emotions overwhelming. The words rapped around me, each line and stanza hitting in ways I couldn't, and still can't, put words to.
\nIt wasn't just the hurt from the past. I was sobbing with depth of hope with what change could bring. I wasn't voting for the individual I had thought could be a great next President, she'd stepped out of the running months before. That was okay. This ticket meant more than one candidate. Much more.
\nAfter two hours of letting my emotions freely flow, it was time. I switched it up, chosing a new song from the Hamilton Mixtape: Valley Forge. After the first stanza, I knew that this it. So, I did.
\nLast time, I was warily confident. This time, overcome with hope. Everything was at stake. The song felt appropriate; time repeating itself.
\nI put pen to paper.
\n\n\n\"Sixty tents full of dysentery, death, dying breaths
\n
\nAnd dilettantes and deserters in the distance
\nCongress, I beg of you, justify your existence
\nAre you men, or just a bunch of indigenous infants?
\nUnite these states, give them stakes in our resistance
\nDo you have no influence at all, you fucking skinflints?\"
\n—Alexander Hamilton from Hamilton Mixtape; Valley Forge (Demo) written by Lin-Manuel Miranda
¶
\n\nThe Works Council finalized solid Voluntary Leave & Severance Packages that would give affected employees a chance to make decisions and own their futures. They would have to worry less on economics of leave and more on themselves & their needs.
\nThe day after signing, I took the day off. I was \"at work\" but couldn't handle any expectations of responsibility. Everything was being announced to the Dutch workforce.
\nAfter that, my head wouldn't face, let alone approach, anything related to work. It wouldn't touch it. When I tried, I'd soon be in tears, using the whole morning to recover. They were the days of continual sleepless nights after sleepless nights, unable to \"turn off,\" unable to relax despite days of distance. My mind would hit an impenetrable brick wall that, no matter how much I huffed and puffed, I couldn't get around.
\nI crossed the threshold of burnout.
\nI had been on burnout leave a couple years prior, working fewer days and seeing a therapist for support. I felt the root causes weren't addressed, but...this time was completely different. While I had a much better understanding of who I was, what was happening, and why certain things were the way they were: I couldn't keep it up.
\nFor the first time in my life, I understood my needs, boundaries, and purpose. Recently equipped with my ADHD diagnosis, the loving support of my partner, family, & friends: I took action.
\nAfter talking with my manager, emailing the appropriate people, and closing my work laptop for what would be a long while: I went on burnout leave. ¶
\nI am so incredibly lucky and privileged to be able to take the time. The Netherlands may not have everything right, but the ability and right to take paid medical leave for a long period is something I'll be eternally grateful for, and advocate in any workplace or environment I find myself in the future. This distance from what led me here—with prescribed space for rest, recovery, & reflection—should be accessible and standard anywhere, for any human. ¶
\n\nFor the longest time, I’ve wanted to get a dog. It's a responsiblity I've never taken lightly, knowing the amount of care and attention that life would need. I traveled too much; I couldn't depend on myself to take care of myself, let alone another being; I couldn't keep to routine, let alone one that the dog deserved.
\nAfter becoming engaged with a partner I appreciate, trust, and love; finally understanding my ADHD; beginning to feel “grown-up” for the first time; and—forcibly due to the pandemic—in one place for the longest period since leaving for University, I felt capable of having & sharing the responsibility.
\nThis was the day we welcomed Freyja Shadowstorm, our Border Collie puppy, into our home!
\n\nShe has been a welcome addition. She teaches me, daily, on the frequency, depth, and breadth of my emotions: joy, frustration, patience, happiness, anger, patience, UGHHH, patience. Co-caring for her has been revelatory. This care and kindness I have for her, so should I extend to myself. Especially because burnout...but really, something to work into a normal practice. ¶
\n\n–
\n\nThere are moments in history that humans have a shared experience of. Those moments that you ask, \"where were you when {thing} happened?\" Since 2016, it was a barrage of moments that should have had that magnitude of collective impact, but there were too many to keep count, let alone aware or spend my energy on. It was a term of exhaustion.
\nMy partner and I were on a video call with my parents, sitting on the floor, with the laptop perched on the coffee table in front of us. My sister texted the Family Group Chat with the news that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris would be the next President and Vice President of the United States.
\nMy parents and partner watched my overwhelm, unable to speak through the rapids of emotion.
\nWe did it. It happened. Things can change. Things can get better.
\nHope fulfilled; it'll soon be time to make that change count. ¶
\n\nI came into 2020 a caterpillar. I fed on an innate need to always be moving, doing, helping, serving. As time past, the layers of global & personal life-changing events surged, flooding with change. Despite how it felt at the time, what kept me grounded was its relativity. What a human calls rain, a caterpillar calls flood. Through my pursuit of perspective—and metaphorically running headfirst into a brick wall—I finally started to accept my needs. For the first time, I entered a focused time of rest; recovery; reflection.
\nWhen in chrysalis, everything that made that caterpillar a caterpillar has been breaking down into a sort of caterpillar goop. I can’t describe my state throughout this period of time as anything but being a big pile of Jonathan-goop. The pandemic had already warped my sense of time; taking time to pause for the first time since...I can’t recall when...was even more disorienting. I had to create something to help structure and gain perspective on my life while fulfilling my need to create.
\nThis resulted in my typographic timelines—an intricate layered typographic curation of my work experience the past eight years—that I'd feel comfortable calling a form of art therapy. In one of my last sessions with my therapist, discussing how my understanding of my ADHD has evolved since I started working with them, a surprise joke of Truth came out of me: \"Hah, the timelines are undiagnosed ADHD.\" We both laughed...paused...because; well, that's kind of accurate. These timelines can be found at jonathanstephens.us/timeline.
\nDescribing myself as \"caterpillar goop\" has been an extremely helpful metaphor in working through my burnout. I’ve been learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself rest, planning times for fun, wandering and discovering. I had planned to try and publish this on January 1st, and couldn’t make the deadline. Tried again with another deadline of the first two weeks of 2021. After, I accepted I needed the time, spoons, and capacity to be able to get this finished; but it would, with time.
\nThe transfer of power to President Biden and Vice President Harris has brought surprisingly profound relief. It felt \"right,\" like the best moment to make a transition myself. Slowly, limbs are starting to form from the Jonathan-goop. All the bits and pieces of caterpillar-Jonathan are mixing, colliding, and transforming to a different, new form.
\nSo far, this time of chrysalis has provided perspective and naming of things I've sought and craved for my whole life. I don’t yet know when eclosion comes and I'll be ready to stretch my wings, flying forward. I'm starting to breach my burnout bubble with solidifying purpose, step by silly step. Whatever anyone considered \"normal\" before this pandemic...my \"normal\" wasn't one I will ever be going back to. After stretching, resting my wings in the sun, I'll be ready to take flight. When I do, I know it will be filled much more nourishment, magic, and light. ¶
\nThese essays are slowly catching up to real-time. It's taken a long while to get to a point where I'm able to find myself again. I've continued focusing on rest & recovery, while reflecting and discovering the rhythms of life that I need for fulfillment. Discovering one's self is relieving; acting on those discoveries is hard work that takes time. I am seeing a light at the end of this tunnel, sustained by growing knowledge of my own inner workings, propelled by hope & courage to be my whole self.
\nSafer and more secure, everything that made caterpillar-Jonathan's dissolved, now taking new shape & form.
\nOnwards; towards eclosion.
", "date_published": "2021-04-09T00:00:00-04:00", "tags": [ "Chrysalis", "Personal" ] }, { "id": "https://jonathanstephens.us/essays/chrysalis", "url": "https://jonathanstephens.us/essays/chrysalis", "title": "Chrysalis", "content_html": "Phew; what a year.
\nTime—from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint—is a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey...stuff.[^ Of course I had to kick it off with a Doctor Who quote. Specifically from David Tennant as the Doctor, in S3E10 titled Blink.] Though, 2020 had more of a Jeremy Bearimy feel to it—absurdly loopty-loop when days felt like weeks; weeks like months; and months, years. It was an end of a decade that felt like a decade within itself. Yet, the Earth continues to spin, the sun rises and sets, even while encapsulated in the same space for eleven months; the universe moves—forward.
\nI'm fortunate enough to be able to write this in reflection, continuing to adventure through life, when so many others have not. It's not something taken for granted or lightly felt. But, as my experience of time has ceased to mean much of anything, this is my record of what happened. I need it for myself, to remember. It's my sort of \"origin story;\" putting words to something that I also want to share, in hopes someone, somewhere, could learn something interesting and useful along the way.
\nI came into 2020 a caterpillar.
\nI fed on an innate need to always be moving, doing, helping. As time past, the layers of global & personal life-changing events surged, flooding with change. Despite how it felt at the time, what kept me grounded was its relativity. What a human calls rain, a caterpillar calls flood. Through my pursuit of perspective—and metaphorically running headfirst into a brick wall—I finally started to accept my needs.
\nI entered a stage of fundamental & transformative change; filled with rest, recovery, and reflection.
\nIn chrysalis. ¶
\nAt the start of the year, never would have thought I'd be where and who I am today. Few could.
\nAfter spending New Years in North Carolina, then heading straight to my first Three King's Day in Barcelona with my partner, we returned to Amsterdam for Booking.com's Annual Meeting. I started taking on new roles and responsibilities at work.
\nIn October 2019, I had been elected as an employee representative to the Dutch Works Council. To provide the mandated capacity for Works Council duties, I was taking a step back from my managerial role and creating a new position for myself, to individually contribute—laying groundwork for departmental knowledge management. All the while, life's adventure filled season of holidays, as seed was beginning to sprout about a proposal sometime in 2020. ¶
\n\nNottingham, England I was lucky enough to attend my second New Adventures Conference, hosted by Simon Collison.
\n2019's conference prompted more personal responsibility to act and actively work to change the tech industry for the better—eventually providing the inspiration that led to my involvement in the Works Council. From Jeremy Keith's keynote, Building, to Ethan Marcotte's impelling closing, The World Wide Work: there's not a conference I'd recommend more.
\nWhile 2019's conference brought the \"why & what needs to change,\" 2020's brought tools and voices that directly told everyone how. Because each speaker prompted so much internal reflection, their presentations are linked here, along with notes by Shane Hudson for quicker perusal:
\nAfter each morning & afternoon speaker sessions, Jeff Veen of the Presentable podcast hosted a live panel with the speakers of each:
\n\nI can't say thank you enough to Simon, Geri, and the team that made this conference happen. Thank you to all the speakers for the wisdom, knowledge, and lessons y'all chose to chare.
\nWhile it may feel like this conference was ages ago, it's been an impactful highlight of my year that, all things considered, would be prescient of a year that exposed the world's already broken systems & beliefs, revealing humanity's collective capacity to show chare for other humans. We can do better. ¶
\nThere's a saying, how weather begins in March predicts how it will end. It either \"comes in like a lion & out like a lamb\" or \"comes in like a lion & out like a lion.\" This year, March came in like a pride of lions, devouring the flock of lambs that would have led towards some sense of spring.
\nThat time when Earth went into quarantine. ¶
\n\nThis meant focusing, full-time, on my Works Council responsibilities. Now, many around the world aren't familiar with Works Councils and the power they provide employees, enabling collaboration with decision makers in specific circumstances. It's helpful to understand this is the standard way of doing business in the Netherlands, especially as an example of a direction the United States could make use of, especially in light of invigorated union suppression and labor-organizing.
\nBelow is a quick introduction to them. If you'd rather skip it, that's okay. You wouldn't miss anything...but some super cool legislation! It covers the basic undersatnding of what a Works Council is, the powers it holds, and how it can yield that power.
\n\n\n\nAs Covid-19 spread towards a global pandemic, I quickly came to the realization that the Works Council would be instrumental in a possible restructure for the business. I sought help from a therapist to help me process that forecoming responsibility. Just processing that fact took more than a month.
\nBecause. There was a lot of work to do.
\nThe travel industry was at a standstill and it would be Booking.com's first exercise in downsizing, after years of exponential growth. We'd be spending a significant amount of time learning together—as a Works Council and busines— the collaborative and exhaustive process for restructuring in the Netherlands.
\nAcross the world, humanity was asked to step up, in whatever & however way we could. It was, and continues to be, a time to take heed of science and the continued responsibility to care for fellow humans; not put their health and lives at even more risk. As a leading travel company, and a connecting link between businesses and their customers, there was an additional responsibility to continue business while respecting local & global limitations. Doing what we could, as we could.
\nIn April, I was elected to the Executive Committee Co-Chair. With that new position, second in legal responsibility for the Works Council's proceedings, I grew to understand the extremely unique position to bring positive change at a scale I hadn't thought possible. We would—spoiler: would & did— do some very good things. We ould be setting up future Works Councils to be in a better relationship with the Business, while building in more open employee collaboration and consultation into Booking.com's standard operating procedures.
\nI took these duties, as most things, seriously; and with hope. ¶
\n\n\nBy April, we had been working from home for a month. Covid-19's impact continued to rise around the world. These were poignant times, with daily reminders of how prcious and short life is. So. I seet a date—June.
\nNow that I had the timing, I had to make sure our expectations of a life well lived were aligned enough to figure out how to ask the grand question: want to partner up and adventure for life? Anyone who knows anything about me knows this: when facing big decisions, I do my research. Good experiences take good planning; be prepared.
\nWe started having some of the deepest, rawest conversations I've ever had. They continued to nourish the sprouting seed, discovering an oak. Imagining what future l ife could be—also brought on by reality bombarding both of us at once—helped.
\n...thaat and Animal Crossing. ¶
\nBetween all the responsibility at work, conversations of future lives, and the pandemic...all of a sudden, I felt all-growed-up, almost like an \"adult.\" I was hopping between all sorts of different worlds while, in the between-times, sketching and starting to move towards a world I wanted to create; together. ¶
\n\nI rummaged through my \"gonna use someday\" art supplies: found nice handmade paper, watercolor paints, book binding needle & thread, and thin hemp string. I had storyboarded and planned long enough, June wasn't too. far away. Enough planning with pen & paper, time to start painting a future.
\nBoth my partner and I are fond of stories, quickly connecting through magic, princesses, animation, and books. With everything available, and how we've travelled together to experience good storytelling, this felt right: I began painting a fairy tale—our fairy tale.
\nI painted our relationship, small snapshots for remembering, smiling, and re-living our story. Page by page, water cup by water cup. It took 11 days to paint, practice, and finally bind my Fairy Tale Proposal book. It was ready!
\n3 days before proposing. ¶
\n\nThroughout the week, I tested the waters, seeing if she thought anything was afoot. Luckily, we were already planning a celebration that day, providing some good cover. Side note: the ring actually hadn't arrived yet; had to improvise.
\nWe woke up to croissants & coffee with mimosas & magical Scrabble. I decidedly lost both 'bouts...unintentionally and disappointed. We're both a bit competitive...anyways. The day moved on—for her: pampered and relaxing, oblivious. For me, anything but.
\nWe had a special night planned. We walked outside together, a first since the pandemic began, to pick up a five-course prepped meal that we'd be cooking at h ome. It came with everything we needed! Including video tutorials (in Dutch and English) and a music playlist while cooking & dining!
\nBefore dessert, I prepared my gift. I retrieved it from the other room; pausing with a deep breath before I re-entered. I had her close her eyes before I left. I came back in and sat back into my seat across the table. Knowing myself, I wasn't going to set myself up to miss the moment by trying to figure out how to unsuspiciously get down on one knee.
\nShe opened her eyes, with book in hand: A Fairy Tale of Past, Present, and Possible Futures. Flipping through for the first time, she began to realize it was full of watercolored paintings of our adventures. I divided the book into chapters, based on my family tree rings tattoo.
\nThe same way a tree's age is measured in rings, as I age, rings would be added to it:
\nArriving to the page with the bright yellow band and The Present painted on the page, that tattoo association was missed. She went to the next page: a gold interrobang taking up the page.
\n\"Huh?\"
\nFlipping to the next chapter, Possible Futures, seeing an aisle—apprehension dawned. I took off the claddagh ring I've worn since University began, hoping all the words would come out right. Then?
\nShe siad yes!
\nNothing changed and everything changed at the same time. ¶
\nShe saw me, embracing all of me; and I her. If she can accept me for what I hope is a long life, why shouldn't I accept me for me?
\nThis was my catalyst towards chrysalis. ¶
\n\nI've always been interested in stories: stories of magic; stories from people long passed; stories of how now just came to be.
\nIn my life and career, I've grown by finding routes and strategies to use & facilitate my strengths, and make up where I falter. I've learned to recognize my emotions, listeningt o address them. I've developed. strategies to help with my prioritisation, using calendars, and planning ahead.
\nYet—
\nI've always had this constant feeling of difference. No matter where I searched, I couldn't find the right words, the label, grasping at something just out of reach. While this Friday started off like many otherse, it was the day I finally found the right words:
\nAha! I'm ADHD!
\nAfter a friend's post lit the spark, I went to my first places to start investigating. a new and interesting topic: Reddit. Sometimes, I'm lucky, and there's an active, respectful, engaged, and moderated community that's an invaluable resource. r/ADHD didn't let me down. Their wiki sent me to a video of Russel Barkley—a clinical psychologist who's spent most of his scientific career researching and communicating about ADHD—that explains what ADHD really is.
\nI was on the couch as I watched, in happy, ugly tears. I had never felt to seen.
\nIt's like every story of a character approached by a magical entity where they're told, for the first time, of their powers. They reflect at the strange, random things that happened in their life. Those that just didn't add up. For me, It was lightning hit the sane. of my brain, crystalizing into fulguritic clarity.
\nI continued my dive down the ADHD rabbit hole and found a thriving community. My people.
\nThey were sharing their own ADHD experiences, describing their lives, and I continued to see how it aligned so much with my own. I had n ever seen my life laid bare with such clarity and consistency.
\nThank you to all the people communicating the science, life, and experiences of ADHD with words, voices, and art. Some of the #adhdsquad tht were specifically halpeful, and again 💛:
\nThat afternoon, I had a therapy session. I couldn't wait to go and share my epiphany. I had begun working with this therapist as the pandemic began, to prepare for the expected challenges of the Works Council responsibilities and, well, the pandemic. I hadn't expected such a revelation, but so very grateful I had this support when I did.
\nFor the whole session, I shared what had just come up, what I was learning, and how I knew this was right. She sent me tests they had at the time, not specializing in ADHD but had resources available to help guide me. After taking the tests, they were clear as well: I'm ADHD. ¶
\n\n\n\nLearning this has constructed a more solid frame, gifting clearer lenses to look through and seem some of the why of my life...but, it h asn't magically made anything \"better\" per-se. It's notthing I can \"fix\" or \"grow out of.\"
\nSome liken it to having super powers. That's not the metaphor for me. Superpowers tend. to be born of extraordinary events, creating people with extraordinary talents that feel a responsibility because of their great power. ADHD is a condition when things others consider \"ordinary\" become extraordinary.
\nI liken ADHD more to magic. It's something that's fundamental to the collective human experience. Stories across time and space have stories of humans:
\nQ: Why?
\nA: Because magic.
Most magicks are powered. and influenced by an individual's affinity or unique trait. It's one that's recurring, again, and again, throughout life. It's part of the good—tenacity, impulsivity, curiosity, insatiety. It's part of the bad—lack of awareness, accidents, relationships lost, opportunities missed, moments forgotten, fines paid. There's always a give and take when performing magic, whether it be your own energies or inadvertent costs. Magic always has a price.
\nUnaware, I've experienced my plenty of the good, and far more of the bad than I had realized. Understanding is one thing, but accepting ADHD as a disability has been a mountain I'm still. trekking. The more I do accept that this magic has a cost, and it's disabling, the smaller this particular. hurdle's gotten. Disability's not a bad word. It's helped give myself permission to ask for help, because I really do need it.
\nWe all do. ¶
\nThis 2020 story, Chrysalis is completed in Part Two. The first h alf ended w ith two large, life changing, non-eventful events. of revelatory nature. In the second half, I'll find a leaf—protection from the torrential downpour. Once there, the skin of caterpillar-Jonathan will shed. A new skin will grow in its place, harder and encasing. Safer and more secure, everything that made caterpillar-Jonathan a caterpillar will dissolve...into goop.
\nAs I go into chrysalis. ¶
", "date_published": "2021-02-02T00:00:00-05:00", "tags": [ "Chrysalis", "Wired for Design", "Story", "Personal" ] } ] }